Its been a couple of weeks since my last post. Not a good thing in blogging land but a reality I guess in Abused Husband land. I heard from Patricia Evans that rarely, if ever, does couple counseling help in abusive situations.
Well, my wife and I have been going regularly for the past month and perhaps, just perhaps there is some hope. It is of course a long term process to see if we can succeed. Our counselor met with each of us separately a few times before our first meeting together last night. The first meetings with my wife alone were geared towards reducing her anger. She uses a method called EFT. Its seems as if this is happening and thus my wife was able to have a rational discussion last night during our first session together. My wife is still not admitting to any personal responsibility but at least we can have a rational discussion.
So what are the strange feelings? Well, I am not sure I will want to spend the rest of my life with her. All this work, all the hope that perhaps one day we could have a normal married life, and now I am not “in the mood” to have that married life with her anymore.
And as for me, well I was able to point to some personal responsibility on my part that perhaps prompted her to get on her abusive path. That will be the subject of my next post.
A short post, a huge reminder. This will not be news to anyone but…
Get Away!
Thats right. Just pack a bag and get some fresh air. Clear your mind. It will give you the physical and more importantly, the emotional strength to carry on. ENJOY!
In my quest to understand more, to pursue my own healing, to continue my hopes for resolution and closure of this most painful chapter in my life, I came across the term “Intimate Terrorism”.
The truth is that all the literature I came across (without having read any of it in depth) deals with the horrible violence against women. Such as the horrible story of Hedda Nussbaum and her murderous husband Joel Steinberg who murdered their 6 year old adopted daughter, Lisa. Just a horrible and terrifying story.
I do not want for a moment to suggest that any of the suffering I, nor any abused husband experiences, compares to what seems to be the physical terror that victims of Intimate Terrorism go through.
I just cannot help though having the feeling that the abuse abused husbands go through has a taste of terror to it as well.
One of the most confusing things to the victim of verbal abuse is the transition from one abusive event to the next. Once the abused person has survived the insult, stonewalling, yelling, whatever, and things go back to “normal” (whatever that means), the victim clings on to the hope that, “OK, Now we will build, we will work together to make a happier life for both of us…”. This ebb and flow is one of the things that keeps victims of abuse in the relationship.
One of the examples I found on the definition of “ebb and flow” seems so appropriate for this post.
“A play’s focus and retreat from the central conflict.”
That is so right on! The main event in an abusive relationship is “ebb’, defined as “receding”. The “ebb” periods are those where our relationships regress. There is decline. The flow of the relationship occurs between the tense moments.
When this ebb and flow is repetitive, it becomes a pattern. That pattern is the difference between a normal healthy relationship with ups and downs, and an abusive relationship with the ebb and flow pattern of forgetting the pain of the previous abusive incedent as the new one, the new tide (tsunami?), arrives.
A crowbar can be used to fix things or destroy things. For example, it can be used as part of fixing a flat tire, or nudging something into place. It can of course be used to destroy too. Well, yesterday my wife and I went to councilor number 1. He, as always, tries to use building techniques that are meant to bring us closer together. Our assignment as of last night, was to realize that any “problem” “WE” may have, is a mutual one. That means that if there is an issue that needs resolving, we communicate “with” each other, NOT “against” each other, to find a solution. My wife reluctantly agreed and the session was over.
This morning, my wife, on the respected advice of a mutual friend went to see another therapist. It seems that this therapist has somehow taken my wife away from the “building” techniques of councilor number one, and instead has introduced a crowbar to pry us apart. In other words, her abuse towards me started to come on full steam! We’ll see what tomorrow brings on. Councilor number 2 it seems for now in any case, has introduced the crowbar and a path to destruction!
As this was her first session there, I will wait a few weeks, and a few more sessions to see if perhaps this is merely a process of allowing my wife to vent her anger and frustrations. I truly hope the initiative will be taken to get “my side of the story”. I will certainly be sure that that concept is at least presented to the second therapist. Hmmm, I guess that is part of my own healing in this, in that I will no longer tolerate the abuse for the long term. Good for me…
Here’s a great talk by Tony Robbins on creating our own future based on the decisions we make. If we are husbands who who have been abused in the past, that does not have to dictate our future. Enjoy (22 minutes):
I came across a very interesting blog by Glen Sacks. Glen bring up a truly disturbing thought about how awareness is so lopsided against men on the issue of domestic violence. I will be posting what I can find about this concept, as well as my own thoughts on this for the next few days. In the mean time, here is the first video in his series of 4 as examples of this phenomena.
There is a 2 step plan in place. The first part is to achieve financial stability, which thanks to my very richeous friends, and of course THANK G-D!, is starting to happen. The second part is to work on saving the marriage.
The saving the marriage part can only realistic happen if we get the financial pressures of debt and enough income to cover expenses out of the way.
So now the challenge! I just told my wife, based on one of her comments this morning, that I have no plans of divorcing. I have no vision of such, nor a desire to divorce. She of course, being the still abusive partner she is, continues to twist my words and actions as “clear signs” that I plan on divorcing.
This behavior on her part fits right into Patricia Evan’s signs of an emotionally abusive person; “Countering” which has the abusive partner negate or counter the abused partner’s feelings or reality. OR, ‘Blocking and Diverting” where the abuser “BLOCKS” your statements by negating or nullifying them, and “DIVERTING” where the abuser will end the discussion and claim confusion or tiredness. AND, the third sign, “Judging and Criticizing”, where the abuser judges your thoughts and actions and then expresses her judgment in a critical way. WOW! Three signs in one 5 minute conversation.
I truly hope that we can together end the mind games. The glimmer of hope here is that this incident occurred as she informed me that she will need cash to pay for a councelor she has agreed to see. Her agreeing to do so is HUGE progress as she has never agreed to get help for her self in the past. Icould complain here that I would have liked to have her tell me she is going for help as opposed to just asking for money for it, but at least it’s a start. G-d willing, all will be well!
These great words, from 1 Peter 2:21-23 - NKJV, say so much. Mike Riley’s Article is on the point. Cruelty, however it is manifested, in not to be tolerated. See his full article here.
